Further reflections on the family tree

So I climbed down off the tree thinking everything was done and dusted but once you’ve gone through the mythscape it will continue to give you insights going forward. This particular one came from a dream in which I was working harmoniously with my little brother to create something together. Sounds pretty normal only I have never really had that kind of dream before. In all my dreams about my brother I have been trying to control the situation. This is the task I was handed as the elder sibling in my family.

It strikes me that the one way I did not look at the Norse gods was as a family. They are a family with all the traumas most families have, there is Loki the little brother competing with siblings for attention. He can’t get the love or respect he wants easily do he resorts to manipulation and guile. The fawn response of a traumatized child. Then we have Thor equally perplexed by as to why the all-father sometimes seems to prefer Loki for his adventures and he approaches most solutions with his hammer, the fight response. The whole family makes Loki the scapegoat for all their ire. Odin is the absent parent more often than not.

I grew up in the remnants of an authoritarian family system, where the father’s needs and feelings had first priority. My father was probably more approachable than his father but the subtext was still the same. Boys needs before girls and parents needs before children’s. My response was very Loki like but then I in tern was leader or perhaps bully to my younger siblings. The patterns we see in childhood are the ones we will likely see again in our adult relationships unless we become aware enough to break them. My parents were trying to break theirs, trying to keep the violence out of their home that they grew up with but the emotional patterns where still there. What I see now is people who were trying to love each other but did not really know how. The mystery for me is to discover what love really is and how it works.

I learned a lot about family systems psychology from John Bradshaw and one of the influences he always mentioned was Alice Miller. Among her theories was that the child rearing practices in the German family of those times created fertile ground for the German state in WWII. The theory being that if you grew up with a totalitarian regime at home then why would you not accept that as the natural order out in the world.

The Norse myths do something interesting in posing Ragnarok not as the ultimate end but as a rebirth point for a repeating cycle. So it is with generations of children and parents each trying to correct the mistakes of their ancestors and learn new things along the way. I sometimes think of this as a pendulum one generation pulls the pendulum one way and then the next pushes it the other and so we are continually trying to find balance and evolution. One wonders what Odin has learned since those early days.

Myths work on many levels and where the idea of a repeating apocalypse came from is an interesting one. One of the more striking theories that I have come across is put forward by Alexandra Witze and points towards volcanic activity in early Iceland as a source for the myths catastrophic imagery. If you think of Loki not just as a god of fire but a god of volcanic fire then he makes a lot more sense. A god who is bound under the earth slowly building in furious pressure. Volcanoes also repeat their eruptions sometimes with years of dormancy in between. I have dealt mostly with the gods as representatives of human conundrums society and individuals face but it should also be remembered that they have this titanic aspect.

I am not sure how to sum all of this up. All I can say is that diving into the world of myth is very illuminating as an experience. You learn about culture and people and yourself. You could hang on the tree for nine days or nine years or indeed ninety years and still not learn all there is to learn. If you have not looked at the stories of your ancestors perhaps go back and see what is there waiting for you.

Ninth night on the tree

So before I end this I wanted to make one last offering to Odin. I decided I would paint a picture. This is actually usually how my devotional work begins but much of this has been upside down. Painting something for me usually involves a bit of research. I like to know what the landscapes and clothing would have looked like. I search for people from that culture to get a sense of their bone structures ect. I go to the myth and check out what colours and symbols are associated with the deity. I usually end up learning quite a lot.

Several themes came up today, one was that I still need to address my trauma. In a way doing this cycle of nine days of focused meditation and writing has been good for some of that but in another way it has perhaps been a way to hold back the grief of what happened. I feel those feelings knocking on the other side of the door and perhaps I will be dealing with them shortly.

This morning an old poem popped up in my feed. It reminded me that fundamentally the runes provide a written script and that many of them have fed into the language I’m now writing in.

In the beginning there was the word
The word was shapely and spacious
But then it had to join a sentence
To show just enough repentance
Then a paragraph where it could widen or narrow meaning
Then there were stories
There were stories of all different colours
Like parrots in the jungles
But some squawked louder than others
They were the dominant narratives
You had to listen carefully for the songbirds
And even harder for the silence
Sometimes stories are our healing
Sometimes they are our poison
Our inheritance
We catch them in books
Retell them
Subvert their narratives
That’s how we change our future
Because the first word is unbroken
One long flow of syllables
From which we each take a token

At the end of Odin’s rune poem he celebrates how the journey of learning goes on, from letter to letter and from book to book. So it will be for me, I’ll learn more about this branch of mythology and I’ll learn more about myself as a human being and I will keep writing poetry. The lesson in all of this was perhaps that being dedicated to the practice, day after day is what is most valuable. So it is with magic and so it is with writing and really so it is with most things. The reward has been getting to learn and to process and to share. I hope whoever finds this blog gets some value out of it even if they are not inclined to follow in my footsteps. I guess I would ask what is it that you want to dedicate yourself to and would you start right now with nine days of effort towards that?

Eighth night on the tree

Usually when I write it’s research first so that I can sound educated about what I’m speaking about but in this case it has very much been a process that has been happening along side the experience. So you are learning things as I learn them. I’m very much aware that I stand in the foothills of all this and can’t offer you the insights of a native speaker or occupant of these cultures. It is tempting to cherry pick one aspect of a deity that we like but we have to see the whole being as they operated in the culture. If Odin was the god of bands of warriors advising them on how to survive in this world and making provision for them in the next then that makes sense of what he is.

Yesterday I came across Arith Hargar who has posted many videos sharing their thoughts on Odin and some of what they said got me to look again at my understanding of this god. They unhooked the idea that there was a comparison to be made with Christ or that their was a particularly black and white definition of good an evil in the old myths, rather there was innate nature and fate. I do see that Odin operates as a trickster god but I still have trouble seeing him as an entirely selfish god because if he was that why share the knowledge he obtained. He reminds me a little of Prometheus.

I can agree that Odin is not an omniscient being, that his knowledge is hard won. It feels as if the gods are much closer to mortals and that the actual over riding force is fate. This is why he turns to the goddesses of fate the Norns to gain power. One of my fundamental questions has been can we escape our innate natures. Not perhaps according to these myths but in modern times we look at things in terms of nature and nurture. We would perhaps send Loki, (and all the other gods for that matter) to get help and he would be lying on a psychiatrists couch rather than beneath a serpent dripping poison. One makes for a better story and the other for a better outcome.

Among the Poetic Eda besides the poems about Odin’s quests including obtaining the runes is the Havamal is a complex text it’s first section contains a list of rules of good conduct and wise behaviour. It mostly seems to be directed at the male traveler which makes sense in the context of a traveling warrior. As I can not get the runes what I am perhaps seeking is my own Havamal. It will certainly not be as long or as poetic as what exists but it might start something like this:

1. Sleep is needed for the maintenance of your mind
2. Your food is your medicine
3. Too much stress brings illness
4. There is a purpose for small talk, it makes others comfortable
5. Respect people’s boundaries, time is time and space is space
6. Do not judge another’s experiences by your own
7. Know when to speak and when to stay silent and also understand the worth of expressing yourself.
8. Know when you require aide and how to ask for it
9. Have a backup plan, so that you have resources if aide can not be rendered to you
10. Be like a tree with a wide root system and cultivate many friendships and supports
11. Listen as much to other’s troubles as much as you share your own
12. Try not to place too many of your burdens on any one set of shoulders including your own.
13. This too shall pass.
14. When you can do nothing, let it be.
15. Above all show compassion and acceptance towards yourself and others.

And so on and so forth. Some of these feel strongly rooted and some might change over time as I learn more. Odin is a teacher among gods, he learns by experience (travel) and by doing and he shares that knowledge. Tricksters do not always teach in the most direct fashion, we learn from them by getting into trouble and getting out of it. We are not wise to begin with but learn it over time. If you want to have a deeper dive on the actual words of the Havamal may I recommend the podcast Northern Myths.

Seventh night on the tree

I happen to be sick today and home from work. It’s another suspended state. In this day of rest I’ve been catching up with more of the journeying of Mr Wednesday in the TV show American gods. He seems very much the shyster and the trickster here and we see that sometimes the devotees of the old religion are troubled and troubling characters.

What a person makes of these old belief systems depends very much on what is already circulating in their own head. I heard childhood tales and then had friends who loved these gods and then through a piece of divination decided this was the journey I needed to take. None of it had anything to do with Nazi sympathies. It’s interesting to question what was in the weave that they wanted to cling to and what in that weave had nothing to do with their ideals. They wanted power not wisdom, to sacrifice others not themselves. I’m reminded of Tim Minchin saying just because an idea is an old one doesn’t mean it’s a good one. I do feel I have found something beautiful in these myths.

Most of my knowledge is no deeper than fairy tales and pop culture retelling and yet I like the way things can evolve and change with time, it means they have a life of their own and one that is still relevant to the people walking around today. I’ll tell you a few of the weird events of this week, there was a storm with not much rain but one very loud crack of thunder that passed over our school and I could not help but think of Thor. Then my boss came in with one eyelid swollen from an insect bite and I wondered whether Odin was at work. We can swim in this world of myth if we want to but it doesn’t always feel like the safest thing to do.

When I go on a Witch camp I’m inviting this world to brush up against me and I’ve learned that it helps to reground after any encounter like this. To eat a meal, to have a conversation, to sleep well at night and not to let yourself get swept away by inspiration. If you’re an artist like me you’re always a little bit open to the world of spirit. The sun just has to shine on something in a beautiful way and suddenly you are appreciating something new about life and existence.

It’s a very heady mix to hold and the rules that are in play at camp are carefully chosen i.e. self care, consent, showing courtesy and concern for others. Reclaiming has the Principles of Unity as an underlying document to guide people in what the tradition stands for. All these are ideals and we are all human including leaders, teachers and organizers. Thinking kindly of each other is the bit I try to remember when I or another seems to fall short of these goals.

Sixth night on the tree

It’s strange how long nine days can feel. This morning I listened to the Parcast Mythology episode Loki and Iduna’s apples. There is perhaps a wash of modern thought over the top of these but the general message seemed to be take your privilege into account and no apples without enthusiastic consent.

Loki made two classic mistakes, one was not trusting Odin and the other was not being open to change. At the beginning of the story Odin tries to persuade Loki of the value in meeting different people and sharing the gifts of the Aesir with them. Loki is distracted and finds himself embroiled in a giant plot to steal Iduna’s apples. He makes this bargain rather than hanging on the world Tree and trusting he will be rescued by Odin.

One sentence I found fascinating was Odin saying that he and Loki were perhaps two sides of the same coin, one being ice and the other fire. It makes sense in terms of their thinking styles, Loki is quick, impulsive and clever. He does not always judge the consequences of his actions. Odin is more cool and considered. His vision stretches to long range outcomes.  

I was thinking a lot about privilege during this episode, different characters are gifted or hindered in different ways. They might have strength but not be quick witted or their place of birth might bring about certain difficulties or benefits. The gods without Iduna’s apples get their first taste of what it is like to age and she gets her first taste of independence and a chance to grow beyond previous expectations of her.

When I think about myself in these terms I realize that I am gifted in various ways and hindered in others. There are prejudices that I’ve never had to face and while I can empathize, I will never understand what experiencing them is like. There are privileges society gives me without my even asking.

Then there are the hindrances. In my case what is truly complex is that my disabilities are hidden ones. If I don’t explain that they exist then there is no way for people to know that they do. Sometimes I’ll admit that I don’t want them to know because I don’t want to be seen differently. I can’t predict what their reaction might be. There is also the gap between what I seem to be able to control and what I actually can.

Being high functioning does not mean I am well at all times and those times when I am not have surprised people. Sometimes it sneaks up on me, I can be doing everything in my power to be well and yet end up sick. Perhaps it was foolish of me to take on the stress of organizing a witch camp, perhaps if other stressful things had not also happened that year I would have been fine. Being told that you would be better to avoid stress and actually being able to do that are two different things. To lead an entirely quiet life devoid of ambition is just as crushing to the human spirit in some ways.

Having a label is helpful and yet I also feel it has hidden some things from me. I’ve always assumed this or that was because of my disorder and yet I see that some of it is perhaps trauma. I have not truly appreciated that until now. The desperation with which my feelings have emerged smacks of unresolved trauma. I also want to believe that as human beings we are not just a collection of ailments but also whole beings. I want to understand myself holistically.

Fourth night on the tree

I seem to have reached the nadir of this journey. I am spending this time with Freya mostly. It’s one of those sad days where all that seems appropriate is crying and listening to sad music. Most of my reflections are around relationships that didn’t happen which is most of them. Some of this may be about disability, other people’s reactions to mine and my feeling of wanting to spare other people grief.

I’ve long been aware that I do not want to bring children into the world as it is and that if they came through me there is a very high chance that they would carry the same disorders I do. I’ve often felt the possibility of a relationship melt in front of it and thought well at least that person won’t have to face the realities I do.

Am I misguided in my thinking? My brother has the same diagnosis but chose to have children, what gave him the optimism to do that. There is of course more to it. There is something about the vulnerability of it all. Having observed my parents and their tendencies towards codependency I’ve looked at potential partners with a skeptical eye. I’ve asked myself “what are you like when you’re angry and what are you going to ask of me?”

The most beautiful metaphor I’ve been able to think of for relationship is dance. People moving in time, closer and then further away and back, sometimes supporting one another but taking turns doing that. I think my Dad tricked my mother (and me) sometimes demanding more support than was reasonable and yet he was ill.

Whenever I ask the gods what my future holds they are vague almost as if they know I’d mess it up if I knew the truth of it. I read the runes and I get Gebo the gift, Wunjo joy and Fehu wealth. All of them should invite optimism and reassurance. I want these things to become true and yet my expectations are not set that way. I have been singing the runes as well, it’s not exactly the same as the ancient practice and yet it acknowledges the runes not just as letters but as spells. To sing them is to invite them and to invite the possibility of what they represent. Magic is an act of imagination that’s why we reach for it.

I think I need to do more ritual around making peace with the past and the people in it. All the ones who have hurt me and all the ones I have hurt.

I’ve been thinking about the difference between my quest and Odin’s he has to come close to death and through it mortality in order to experience or see into all the realms. I am already mortal and death is a certainty for me. While I am fascinated by the world beyond what I actually seek is an appreciation of life. I seek knowledge of how best to spend the time I have with the people that I love.

Third night on the tree

Well it’s been an eventful day and night on the tree. Not a rainbow bridge but a pack of rainbow lorikeets came for me in the form of a painting by Kristy Flynn that I won from the Art show I visited yesterday. After picking it up I ran into some long term friends who where hanging out at a nearby bar. I sat with them and we caught up and I managed to share some of the turmoil I have been going through. It was reassuring to hear that a lot of my experiences as they relate to disability are not uncommon.

The theme for my night on the tree was very much around the possibility that trauma has played into my circumstances. My friend said something insightful, that it is not always easy to know how we will respond to things in advance. Also that understanding triggers is knowledge that hides itself because it is part of our protection system. Another friend observed that I struggle with abandonment. This has always perplexed me because I wasn’t physically abandoned as a child but I did have parents who were struggling with many things that took their attention away from me. The were migrants without an extended support system, they both had chronic illnesses and they were both carrying traumatic histories. They were often not able to be there for me on an emotional level and one of them could have died at any point and let me know this fact.

If I look at other triggers I see that being bullied and having dyslexia created patterns around rejection and criticism. I was not made welcome in Australia nor was I welcome as a dyslexic child in the classroom (I really hope that it’s improved since). What I think happened to me recently is that a lot of these triggers got activated at the same time and my mind and body went into a stress spiral.

From what I’ve been learning I need to be able to recognize when this is happening and then deploy self soothing techniques and interrupt those thought patterns. I have been focusing on Trauma release techniques and polyvagal theory lately in an effort to come to terms with this. Part of the problem for every human is that we expect the future to play out like the past and it’s difficult to tell ourselves that it will not.

I think what talking to my friends did was reassure me that I was not the only contributor to what happened but that I also have a role to play in coming to terms with my own patterns. I was thinking about the world of self help and the world of magic and that we often aim to do the same thing but come at it from slightly different angles.

The process of doing various magical techniques can be calming to the nervous system, singing, drumming, focusing on breath, surrendering problems to something larger than ourselves are all ways that we practice magic and reinforce that we are safe with each other and in this life. Its not a one shot and you’re done deal it’s something that can be layered in over time so that you gradually become stronger at it. I will throw in also that despite all these techniques and theories life can simply just throw you for a loop.

A day wandering the tree

Today was a day for wandering the branches of the tree. I spent the morning cleaning the flat and listening to more stories from Parcast’s Mythology series. This time I followed Freya on her journey to gain the Brisingamen. The story was a little different from what I remembered. Many years ago I attended a Cloud Catcher Witch camp where we worked this myth and it is lodged in my mind as one of the most beautiful camps I have been part of.

As the afternoon rolled around I headed out to meet my friend Luke Brohman who created the wonderful art below. We sat in a corner of the Woolloongabba Art Gallery together gently chatting and painting with another artist. We talked about the art around us, the unfolding history of this country and the upcoming referendum (in which I am voting yes for a change in the constitution and an indigenous voice in parliament). I spoke of my journey on the tree and the burn out that had led to it.

As I was headed home I thought it might be a good chance to find a spot and lie under a tree. My whole nervous system has been in a state of agitation for some time and I am trying to reset it. I lay down next to a water dragon between two sycamore trees outside the Queensland museum. I imagined the slow turn of the planet below me as I gazed up through the branches. I thought about how our paths divide and that maybe I am the last twig of a long family line. For one magical moment the wind picked up and it rained down twirling sycamore seeds.

When I felt settled I got up and took a brief walk through the museum contemplating the bones of ancient creatures. I thought of the sharp teeth of the world serpent perhaps as fierce as these ancient creatures. My own Norwegian ancestors were seafarers and would have imagined just this. Beyond the museum the tall glass towers of the city shone. It was all here the past, the present and the future.

There are things I did not choose in this life including the genetics I inherited but there are choices I have the power to make. While I may not be able to change the essential nature of who I am surely I can still learn, grow and contribute to this world. I want to bring more awareness to what I do including understanding my limitations and choices.

These are Luke’s paintings you can find more of their creations at FleetFoot Productions

Ouranos Medeon

Blue Moon

Another name for blue

Second night on the Tree

Yesterday I worked on being really present to my surroundings. Doing one thing at a time, being more responsive to the people around me and generally slowing down. It felt good, I am such a dreamer often lost in an abstract world of thoughts and emotions it was very grounding to focus on being here. If the world tree is this world then this is our primary ground for learning and I need to be open to it.

My explorations into the world of Norse myth continued with a podcast from Parcast on mythology, and two episodes entitled “Odin’s quest for Wisdom.” I think there was some condensing of the story but it reminded me that hanging on the tree happens within a wider context and that the tale really begins with Odin’s travels. Odin’s search for wisdom is really done over multiple journeys that introduce him to all sorts of situations and people. This in turn makes me think that one of the oldest ways of broadening the mind was to travel. I am not much of a traveler but I have met so many people from other countries who I have learned from. I had the fortune to be a migrant to Australia so I came in with this awareness that there was a world beyond these shores. It creates a little distance perhaps through which to understand your own culture through another lens.

I was also exploring the runes yesterday and in my reading drew laguz which represents flowing water, journeys and new beginnings. For me it portended that I face some of the grief that is flowing through me. I did some releasing work with water before going to bed where I cried, sang and spoke out some of what has been grieving me. Getting this energy unstuck can sometimes be quite painful and it feels that in the past words have often gotten stuck in my throat. It felt good to release them.

My nights on the tree have not exactly been peaceful, it is disorienting to be sleeping upside down and sometimes I have found myself awake at odd hours of the night contemplating things in the darkness. I imagine the rope around my ankle as I swing back and forth batted by the wind of my thoughts. My contemplation kept leading me back to compassion and it’s encompassing nature, that everyone deserves this even me, even the people I disagree with and how difficult it is to hold that in the midst of the flow of relationships.

Curiously the image of Jesus comes to mind another god like man sent down to the earth to get to know what it is like to be mortal and eventually be set to hang on a cross. There are repeating patterns of myth here. While I am pagan I work with Catholics and so I walk between multiple worlds and can at least have an appreciation for some if not all of Christianity. My parents did the severing between themselves and the church and so that way was never really open to me I had to make my own way and it was through the myths of the world.

First night on the tree.

So I’ve had my first day and night on the windy tree. It would be perhaps special if I could have sequestered myself away from the world to do this but life goes on and you can do these kinds of quests mixed in with ordinary life. I am not demanding anything near as rigorous of myself as Odin. The key is to hold the intention of this exercise for nine days and nights. My first act was to take a cordlike string and tie it on, this is to remind me that I am on the tree. Last night I turned my sleeping arrangements around so that I am essentially hanging upside down (metaphorically). I thought about whether there should be some fasting aspect to this but decided against it as this is mostly an exercise in personal reflection. I want to be more mindfully present during this time and I want to actively engage in remembering and writing.

Last night was quite an auspicious start as Fool’s coven a branch of the Wildwood met. We are a collection of artists and every full moon we gather to produce art via engaging with our gods and spirits and then we put it away to let it sit and on the new moon we meet and share it. Last night we worked with the horned owl, one of the four guardians of the Wildwood and I worked with Odin as well. The owl for us holds the eastern quarter and is associated with sunrise, new beginnings, wisdom, air and communication. The owl described me as “a little mouse come to hang by my tail from his home”.

After this session I put on American God’s one of who’s principal characters, Mr Wednesday, is Odin in disguise. I have had a few encounters with the traditional myths in my childhood and through Neil Gaiman’s book on Norse Mythology more recently but I am determined to absorb more of the stories. This past week I have also been enjoying the final season of the Ragnarök on Netflix. Like many I have in the past mostly been drawn to the figure of Loki, who doesn’t love a rascal unless of course they are ensnared in that rascal’s trouble making. I have always been reluctant to claim Loki as one of my gods preferring to say I am Loki adjacent. That is to say I like trickster gods, I enjoy Hermes in particular who is perhaps the more socially adaptive, working as he does in invention, communication and commerce. The Romans with there love of syncretizing everything with their own deities linked Odin to Mercury who is in turn linked to Hermes.

My first encounter with trickster stories was the spider god Anansi from the Ashanti people of Ghana. There is a delight and humour in many of these stories. I have wondered why these gods in particular are so important to people and for me it’s that they are great teachers and survivalists, they bring ingenuity in their problem solving. Odin himself is not above trickery but he is also committed to the social good and he gets there by gaining wisdom through a painful situation. All tricksters want to take the meat from the trap without getting caught, to escape without consequence or cost. Odin does something different he deliberately places himself in the jaws of the trap and he learns from it. This is what I am doing turning in to face my own demons so that I might learn how to escape my own traps.